Straight from the Lam’s Mouth

You have probably seen this before, but it was brought up at work today. These rules also remind me of the book I am reading (Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel).

1. Never walk without a document in your hands.
   People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy.
   Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat, and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss — and you will get caught — your best defence is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Keep a messy desk.
   Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Use voice mail.
   Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing — they call because they want you to do work for them. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice-mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there — it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
5. Look impatient & annoyed.
   One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late.
   Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important e-mail at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 p.m., 7:05 a.m., etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Use sighing for effect.
   Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Opt for the stacking strategy.
   It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build your vocabulary.
   Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember; they don’t have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. Don’t get caught.
    MOST IMPORTANT: Don’t forward this to your boss by mistake!

Maybe my old apartment was bigger than I thought. I have way too much stuff…

Heavy keyboard users who are new to OS X are used to being able to tab to select drop downs and check boxes on web forms. By default OS X will only tab focus between text boxes and lists. To enable all controls, just go to System Preferences —> Keyboard & Mouse —> Keyboard Shortcuts —> and Check All Controls at the bottom

First Nascar race

What an expose on the local news would look like if Bruce Wayne were real. http://gothamcablenews.com/gotham_tonight.aspx

If you ever wondered who these espn.com issue emails came from…

Leave a comment and let me know if you beat my best lap time of 30.878 seconds.

Well sort of…Louisville sued Duke in 2007, when Duke refused to play the final 3 games of a 4 game contract. They played one game while I was there in 2002, and Duke got demolished 40-3. Fortunately, our athletic department didn’t need to waste any more money on the football team than they already do because of a great legal defense: Duke Football Sucks.

A $150,000 penalty for each game was included in the contract if a “team of similar stature” could not be found to fill the date. But Duke’s lawyers argued that the Blue Devils’ performance on the field was so poor that any Division I team would suffice as a replacement. Duke is 6-45 over the past five years, 13-90 since 1999. — ESPN.com story

Austin’s last game of gator as an ESPN employee.